The Seduction of Control: Proving I Matter—and the Freedom of Letting Go
The Ache We All Carry We all want to matter. Deep down, there's this quiet, persistent ache: Does my life count? Am I seen? Am I enough? From childhood we learn that if I can control how I'm perceived—smart, faithful, successful, right—then I must matter. Control becomes the way we prove our worth. We grip outcomes, perceptions, even eternity, because if we can nail them, we feel safe. We feel real. My Fortress of Proof I know this ache intimately. For years, it drove everything I did. I spent so much time trying to prove Mormonism was true. I collected evidence, scriptures, historical data, logical arguments—anything that could shore up the fortress. I did the same with The Family: A Proclamation to the World . I memorized key phrases, studied counter-claims, prepared "gotchas" for doubters. I wanted to demonstrate, beyond question, that this was the path. That I was on the right path. The effort didn't stop at church. I pursued a PhD partly because it felt ...