No More Fighting to Matter
The Fight to Feel Seen
Every conflict—whether a workplace clash or a family argument—stems from one core struggle: the fight to know we matter. Have you ever felt crushed when someone didn’t notice your hard work? We all crave to feel significant, at work, at home, anywhere.
As a software engineer, I felt this sting deeply. After earning a promotion to Senior Engineer, a new manager called me an “overvalued middle engineer”—a oblique statement saying I was being paid above my value. I brushed it off, assuming he hadn’t seen my contributions. I kept building features and improving our team’s workflow, expecting recognition. A few years later, he repeated the same judgment. I was stunned. My work felt invisible, and I spiraled: Should I leave? Will anyone see my worth? That desperate need to be seen threw me into an existential crisis.
Why We Fight for Proof
Why do we tie our worth to others’ recognition? We all need to know we matter. But we only know it when we feel it. And those feelings come from the stories we tell ourselves about our value.
Imagine two people—Bob and Charlie—facing a stranger pointing a gun. Bob, who’s seen gun violence, tells himself, “This is life or death; I’m in danger.” His story sparks terror, so he cowers, pleading for safety. Charlie, who’s never seen a gun and thinks it’s a bizarre stick, tells himself, “This is odd, but not serious.” He feels confused and stands still, maybe even laughing. The same situation—gun pointed—leads to wildly different reactions. Why? Their stories. Bob’s story of danger drives fear; Charlie’s story of a bizarre stick drives curiosity. Neither is reacting to the gun itself but to the meaning they assign it.
We do this daily. When someone ignores us, we tell a story: “They don’t value me, so I don’t matter.” That story sparks pain or anger, pushing us to act—maybe by withdrawing or snapping. We craft the story, not the other person.
The Cycle That Traps Us
To feel we matter, we need a believable story. For it to feel true, we seek evidence—usually from others’ behavior. I wanted my boss to notice my extra work, my wife to acknowledge my exhaustion, or friends to engage with my ideas. When they don’t, the story falters, and we feel worthless.
So, we set expectations: “If my boss praises me, I matter.” We become judge and juror in a mental trial, waiting for the world to align with our story. When it doesn’t—like when my boss called me “overvalued”—we blame others. I told myself he was just blind to my efforts, blaming him for being inattentive.
But everyone’s fighting the same fight, seeking proof of their worth, blaming us when they don’t get it. It’s a stalemate fueling every conflict, where no one feels seen.
Blaming my boss didn’t help. When he first called me overvalued, my blame kept me blind to his and our team's goals, and his view didn’t budge. I was stuck, waiting for him to validate my worth, while he was likely judging me to justify why I wasn't worth looking into.
Breaking the Fight
A leadership coach helped me see my role. I was expecting my boss to magically notice my efforts without clear communication. Blaming him—or myself—wouldn’t solve it. Blame keeps the fight going, declaring someone’s worth instead of resolving the problem.
I chose a new path: I accepted that I matter, no matter what my boss thought. My worth isn’t tied to his recognition. From that truth, I treated him as an equal, not a judge. In our weekly one-on-ones, I shared how my work—streamlining team processes—aligned with his goals. Within a year, he shifted, saying, “It’s not a matter of if, but when you’ll be a principal engineer.”
A New Way: We All Matter
You don’t need others to prove you matter. When you believe you’re enough, you stop fighting and treat others as equals, each with their own struggles. This breaks the cycle of conflict. When I saw my boss’s pressures, I shared my efforts openly. He responded with respect and in that, my own worth shone through. Rather than seeing me as someone combating with him over my work, he saw me as supportive of his work. Through his responses, I could easily get validation of my worth because he treated me as more of an equal than as a subordinate. We find our value in others’ humanity, because we’re all equal and treating others as equals invites them to treat us similarly.
Every fight stems from this need to matter. When we stop proving our worth, we stop clashing. We create a world where everyone feels seen because we never see and treat others as inferior.
Your Turn to Stop
Next time you feel unseen, pause. Ask: Am I fighting to prove I matter? How am I contributing to this situation? What don’t I want to see about myself? Taking responsibility for your part says the other person doesn’t need to change. By seeing them as equal, you affirm they matter just as they are—and so do you. And with that mental framing, you no longer need to fight them because there is nothing to prove.
The Problem and Solution
Here’s why we get stuck fighting to matter:
Need to Matter: Each and every person craves to know that they matter.
Feelings Confirm Worth: To know we matter, we must have feelings which confirm that we matter.
Stories Drive Feelings: To have feelings which confirm, we must have a story we can tell ourselves that says "you matter."
Seeking Evidence: To tell ourselves a story, we need evidence to confirm that story. For instance, we seek proof from others’ behavior (e.g., praise), setting expectations that trap us in a mental trial.
Blaming Creates Conflict: When expectations aren’t met, we blame others, fueling a stalemate where no one feels seen.
Recognize Your Yardsticks: Notice when you measure your worth against others’ actions, like seeking praise. Mastery or achievements don’t define your value.
Accept Your Worth: Can we ever know with certainty that our yardstick is true? No. Your value is inherent and cannot be measured.
Treat Others as Equals: See others as equally worthy, with their own struggles, not as judges of your worth. Can we ever know for certain that our measurement of them is true? No.
Build Mutual Respect: Acting from equality invites others to respond in kind, affirming everyone’s value.
End the Fight: Taking responsibility for your role without needing others to change. This removes blame and puts everyone on equal ground.
You already matter. So does everyone else. Live that truth, and the fight ends. The great irony is that as others matter to us, we start to feel like we matter. Choosing to see others as equals requires acting as if they are equals. We stop using our yardsticks against others and begin seeing evidence that they matter just as much as we do, fueling stories of mutual worth. Then we feel like we matter because the evidence is believable and matches our stories.
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