Modesty Is a Story, Not a Style

I’ve seen talk recently regarding modesty, and most of it focuses on modest attire. However, attire is an action, and actions are consequences of feelings, which in turn are consequences of the stories we tell ourselves. So the question becomes: if we want modest behaviors, we need modest feelings and modest stories.

So what are the immodest stories people tell themselves? Why are they telling themselves these stories? And how can we help people shift to modest stories?

The Fitting-In Story

I have a friend who recently got into trouble because he commented on his niece’s attire. He thought he was doing the right thing by critiquing her clothes, but he quickly learned that men aren’t allowed to comment on women’s clothing.

This niece’s mom talked about how her daughter is just trying to fit in with her friends. The daughter doesn’t wear what she does in order to get the attention of boys or to stand out. She wears it so she can fit in—the right brand of clothes, phone, watch, car, drinks, TV shows being watched, vacation destinations, etc.

This is as though the young woman doesn’t care what she’s wearing because it isn’t ostentatious in the current fashion. But really, she cares deeply about what she wears and is constantly watching to see if she measures up by looking for the absence of signals that she is now outside the norm. This kind of view is just as deeply committed to fashion as someone who is trying to be on the forefront of fashion.

Two Sides of the Same Coin

In reality, these two ways of wearing clothes are flip sides of the same coin: my value is a consequence of how others see me.

And that’s where being immodest lives. A person who constantly puts out a particular image for others to see—whether that’s in fashion, or skills, or intelligence, or coolness, or whatever—is putting oneself forward for evaluation with the underlying belief that one’s own value is dependent on how others perceive them.

What True Modesty Requires

To truly be modest, that story needs to be sacrificed. When my value is no longer dependent on how others perceive me, I quit putting myself out there to be seen. People can notice me and can make their own measurements, but I’m not trying to cultivate a particular view to assuage my feelings.

I’m also not deliberately trying to be counter-culture. For example, not bathing or keeping good hygiene as a deliberate way of saying “look how much I don’t care about your perceptions of me.” Because that approach is still deeply dependent on other people’s perceptions.

How We Feel Like We Matter

My core understanding of all this is that everyone wants to feel like they matter. But no one can force us to feel anything. In fact, all our feelings come from stories we tell ourselves. So, to feel like we matter we need to tell ourselves we matter. But daily affirmations won’t do this because it feels like we’re lying to ourselves. Although we may try and force a story on ourselves, our mind knows the real story, not the one we tell ourselves in a mirror.

So, how do we get the right story? How do we feel like we matter? How do we tell ourselves believable stories that we matter? The answer is surprising: we treat others like they matter. When we treat others by measuring them, we are simultaneously measuring ourselves. If we comment on someone’s beauty, we comment on ourselves. Their intelligence? It’s also our own. Their righteousness? Also our own. So, when we comment on those, we are saying their and our value is dependent on that attribute.

But when we treat them like they matter regardless of anything else, we are also saying that we ourselves matter regardless of anything else. In that moment, we obliquely feel like we matter because we treat others like they matter.

A Closing Question

So, where in your life are you being immodest? What perspective are you trying to cultivate for other people? And are you willing to forgo measuring others (and yourself) by that metric so that you can, in turn, feel like you matter? Because you do. Regardless of what anyone else may say: you matter. And you’ll feel it when others matter to you as they are right now.